Happily, Ever After – Build a Marriage to Last a Lifetime

Many of the childhood fairy tales that we were exposed to as kids ended with the lead character falling in love with their “perfect mate” and them “living happily ever after”. Examples include Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty & the Beast. Each of these stories end with the main characters committing themselves to each other. And it is implied that their relationships survive the test of time.

Unfortunately, reality is not that simple. Successfully getting married does not guarantee that the relationship will survive. As of 2019 in the US, about half of all marriages will end in divorce or separation. That breaks down to 41% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages ending in divorce.

In addition, as of 2019 both marriage rates and divorce rates have been decreasing in comparison to the year 2000. It is believed that this trend is a result of the millennial generation opting to get married later in life and as a result maintaining their marriages overall. Only time will tell if this pattern of delaying marriage is successful considering the oldest millennials are only in their young forties.

Communication – The Foundation of All Relationships

Lack of communication or poor communication has been reported in 50% of all marriages that have ended in divorce. Though it may seem cliché, communication between a couple is the underpin that can prevent almost every of cause of divorce.

Why? One’s vision for their life is very personal and involves an immense amount of effort and work to bring into reality. We all want to have someone at our side who is supporting us and helping us achieve our goals. But it is important for you to know what your goals are and that you convey them to your partner in a way that they understand.

How do you do this? Speak using pictures. Use imagery to explain the things that you want in life. The words that you use may be interpreted differently by your partner. So even if you both agree with the goal, you may not fully grasp what it is you both want.

Here are some examples of how one’s goal can be interpreted very differently:

Financial Security:

There are tons of ways that financial security can be interpreted. For some people it could mean being able to go to the grocery store and buying whatever they want and not have to worry about the cost. For those who grew up in families where food availability was a concern, this desire can be unbelievable fulfilling.

For others, they may just want to have a giant nest egg. To look at their bank account and see a huge number. Having a giant pile of money can help someone sleep better at night knowing that they have this reserve that they can use to cover almost any kind of issue.

Now imagine a couple who both agree on financial security but have these two perspectives. If they do not communicate properly, a fight can easily break out between them. One may be accused of “wasteful spending” and the other may be accused of “not enjoying themselves”. Both may see the other as a threat, even though on paper their goal is the same.

Building a Family:

The way someone interprets family can be very different. Are you looking to have children? How many children? What about pets? Are you hoping to have a ton of fur babies but maybe no actual babies?

This particular topic tends to be a deal breaker for most couples if they do not match on their goals. Imagine the amount of resentment someone will experience when they wanted children but never got the opportunity. Imagine the resentment when someone became a parent who didn’t want to be. Either way, the resentment will end up destroying the relationship.

Ideally, you’d have this conversation long before marriage. But if you haven’t yet, what are you waiting for? Kicking this can will only make things worse.

 Staying Connected with Family:

We all have complicated relationships with our family. They have seen the best and the worst of us. And for some of us, we envision our family being intimately involved in our lives. The idea of not living near them may seem uncomfortable and lacking.

But for some of us, we may want that distance from our families. A simple phone call here and there may be enough to satisfy that need for connection.

Once again, you want to be on the same page with your partner around your extended family. How much do you want to have your own family and your in-laws be apart of your life?

Commitment:

What does commitment mean to you? Does it mean being faithful to each other no matter how hard gets? Does it mean being an intricate part of each other’s lives? Does it mean knowing that there is a sense of loyalty to each other?

Even the words commitment, faithfulness & loyalty can be interpreted many different ways. It is vital for each of us to understand what we want and don’t want in a relationship. So that we as individuals fully understand our expectation and boundaries. And then to share that information with your partner in no uncertain terms.

Hint:

With all of these topics, a great way to ensure that everyone is understanding of each other is to ask them to explain your own perspective back to you. If what they say to you is in line with your own perspective then you dramatically reduce the chances of fighting and hurting each other accidently.

What if Your Relationship is Already Hurting?

The first step is to ask yourself; how do I feel about my relationship? Do I feel that my partner is being supportive? Do I talk to my partner about my wants, needs and dreams? Do I even know what they are?

It all starts with you. You are the only one that you can control and change in this situation. Even if your partner is the source of your distress, you cannot change them. You cannot force them to comply. We all resist outside influence that is forced upon us eventually

What can be done is that you can change how you communicate your wants and needs to them. To explain, in the best way you can muster, where you are coming from and what you are needing. If your partner is willing and receptive, they may opt to change willingly to the best of their ability. Or if they cannot or will not change, then you still have control over whether to continue with the relationship or move on.

Either way, if you are struggling in your relationship you deserve to have someone who will walk with you on your journey. If you are in need of that support, feel free to take advantage of a free tapping session with me to work through some of these intense emotions.