When You Are Born Different: Self-Acceptance & the LGBTQIA+ Community

We as individuals require a level of self-acceptance, self-love, & self-compassion in order for us to be able to live up to our full potential. A way in which we learn to accept ourselves is in the way that we are raised. Our families teach us, through example and guidance, how to become people in our society. Our friends, neighbors, teachers etc. do the same by enforcing societies standards upon us. When we act poorly, we get disciplined by those around us. It is a necessary part of human development in order for us to transform from a self-centric child into a fully rounded adult.

For the LGBTQIA+ community (I will use “gay” as a catch all for the entire community going forward), this gets muddled very quickly in life. One of the unique characteristics of this community, a community that I am part of as a gay man, is that we are a very small minority in the world. And we will remain a small minority in this world. You cannot convert someone into our community, like you can a faith. Nor can you give birth to more of our community, like you can with race and ethnicity. Two gay people don’t make gay children. That isn’t how our community works.

Our communities, though more noticeable in recent time in the US, still represent a very small proportion of the larger population we live within. When you look at cities, San Francisco has the highest gay population based on percentage of residents at 15.4%. That is 1 in 7 people. Followed by Seattle at 12.9%, Atlanta 12.8%, Minneapolis 12.5% & Boston 12.3%.

When you look at state numbers, our representation drops even further. New Hampshire has the highest gay population based on percentage of residents at 6.6%. That is 1 in 16 people. Followed by Washington at 5.7%, Massachusetts at 5.7%, Maine 5.2% & California 5.2%.

What Does This Mean for our Mental Health?

As we were developing as children into adults, most of us did not have an acceptable example of someone from the gay community to model. We only had the common example of a heterosexual cisgender man or woman. That was the typical model that we were encouraged to become. But for us, that created a disconnect within our identities. When we were taught to be a certain way and that did not match with our inner truth of who we are, it would create a sense of dissonance within ourselves. To put it plainly, something felt off.

The toys or clothes that we were encouraged or required to use did not match with what felt true for us. How we were taught about our sexuality and attraction did not match what we experienced.

I remember when I was 13 in 1998, talking with my classmates of girls and who they liked and wanted to be with. I could see when a girl was pretty and there were girls that I liked to be around. But there wasn’t that deeper draw that I could sense my classmates feeling. And yet, there was always this boy that caught my eye. Whenever he would enter my line of vision, I would notice him. I’d catch myself staring at him and not understanding why. I had no idea that what I was feeling was attraction. The concept of being a boy attracted to a boy was unknown to me at that time.

Gay Culture During My Formative Years in the Late 90’s

This may sound odd to younger people but here are some highlights about gay culture in 1998: Calling someone gay or queer was a common and acceptable insult in school. The TV series “Ellen” staring Ellen DeGeneres was canceled after Ellen herself came out as a lesbian in real life and in the show. The original iteration of Will & Grace, with a gay leading character debuted the same year. Effective treatment of AIDS with antiretroviral therapy became available, saving lives and beginning to end the stigma of disease towards the gay community. Anti sodomy laws existed in multiple states. The Defense Against Marriage Act (DOMA) was in effect, banning the federal recognition of gay marriage. 38 states had legal bans on gay marriage. The remaining 12 had no legal right to gay marriage.

Healing The Wounds From Youth

Many people from the gay community would want to blame society for the harm that they experienced growing up. For not being allowed to develop into adults in a way that was accepting and encouraging. For the strife that we may have experienced. And even though I had many moments where I wish society was different, I highly caution against putting the responsibility on society. Why? That gives this uncontrollable entity called “society” the power over our own acceptance and healing.

Yes, it was not fair. Yes, it was painful for many of us. But WE and WE alone have the power to heal from the wounds from our upbringing. No matter what your parents say to you now, it won’t heal any harm they may have caused when you were a child. No matter how much the bullies who tormented you beg for your forgiveness today, it won’t heal the harm you received in the past. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice when it happens, but truthfully this is unbelievably rare.

What I learned was that we are the only one that can truly heal ourselves. You have the power to heal yourself. Only YOU!! You can heal the fear and anxiety about your safety in this world. You can ascend out of the depths of depression from having suppressed parts of yourself in order to “pass” as straight or cisgender or both. You can let go of the rage and anger you have towards those who harmed you. You can let go of the shame that something is wrong with you.

What worked for me was the Emotional Freedom Technique. EFT, also known as tapping, involves tapping on acupressure points on your own body in order to calm the amygdala, the fear center of the brain. The tapping allows for the Chi (emotional energy) to move more freely and bring a sense of relief and calm to the mind and body.

This technique helped me let go of so much pain from my past and allowed me to become the confident, open gay man that I am today. And I want to give you that same benefit to you as a gift.

You just have to choose to take those first steps toward taking responsibility for your healing and to work towards being the person you are meant to be. They still exist within you. You can find them and let them free. Are you ready?