When Your Friends Do Not Know You Exist – Parasocial Relationships
Companionship and friendship are a vital part of a person’s life. We are social creatures. We need to interact with others as a way to organize our own thoughts and to feel connected with the rest of the world. Prolonged isolation has been shown to lead to impaired mental function, delayed recall of information, and a slew of physical ailments that negatively affect the health of one’s own body.
When it is Hard to Make Friends
When we have a difficult time finding and creating a friendship, we will seek that kind of connection from other sources. Whether they be fictional characters in a tv show or movie, or the ever-growing number of celebrities. This is known as a parasocial relationship; you develop an emotional connection to someone else and they do not reciprocate that connection.
Parasocial relationships have existed for centuries, starting with characters in books. As technology progressed, these relationships became more common with notable celebrities of tv, movies and music. Think Marilyn Monroe, The Beatles, Johnny Carson, and Princess Diana. Many people became attached to these celebrities and felt a deep connection to their lives, even though the celebrities would have no idea who they are in most instances.
With today’s technology, like YouTube, Twitch, and the multitude of social media platforms, the concept of celebrity has expanded massively. And the ability to interact with well known people has become notably easier. You can send messages directly to famous people and sometimes they respond. You can pay famous people via Cameo or Only Fans to create personalized content just for you.
All of this has dramatically accelerated the formation of parasocial relationships amongst the masses, in particular with younger generations who are more integrated with social media.
The Pros and Cons of Parasocial Relationships
Pros:
Parasocial relationships can help supplement social interaction for those who are anxious, introverted, fear rejection, lonely and/or have low self-esteem. These individuals can develop a perceived intimate connection and not worry about being judged or abandoned by the individual they are bonded to.
People who have experienced trauma have been shown to benefit from parasocial relationships. In particular to individuals or characters that lean heavily on positive emotions and sentiment. A comfort arises from witnessing over and over again that the good team always wins and everything ends in “happily ever after”. Or watching content like unboxing videos, where the viewer gets to share an experience with the host of something new and exciting.
Individuals on the autism spectrum have been shown to benefit from parasocial relationships. One advantage is not having to navigate the typical social cues that would be necessary to facilitate a reciprocal relationship. This can be difficult for some on the spectrum to master. They get to be themselves, with no judgement or ridicule. All the while, learning to socialize through example of their “friend”.
Cons:
Celebrity worship and obsession can take hold in some individuals. They can become obsessed with their “friend” and pursue them in the real world. This can lead to stalking and also giving away resources such as time and money to their obsession.
“Parasocial Infidelity” can occur to those who bond with porn stars or sex workers through sites like Only Fans. Even though they may never meet the person in the flesh, paying money to access exclusive videos, photos, and direct messaging can negatively impact the romantic relationships a person has in their life. Many partners would see this behavior as cheating due to the intimate nature of the connection that is being made.
Social comparison can be quite detrimental to the observer of their “friend’s” life. Continually seeing their “friend” in amazing physical shape or with beautiful clothes or expensive cars and homes can cause someone to become dissatisfied with their own life. It can lead them to make poor financial decisions in order to be like their “friend” with all their expensive stuff. It can also lead to self-harm and eating disorders, in particular with adolescent girls, around obtaining a certain standard of physical beauty.
What to Do with Your Parasocial Relationships
You need to take a hard and sober look at the relationships you have. How much time and emotional energy are you investing in people who do not know you? Do you have mutual relationships with people that you trust and care about and who care about you?
If not, why? Is it because of anxiety, fear of rejection, low self-esteem and/or being hurt in the past? These are parts of yourself that you can heal. I had my own parasocial relationships when I was younger. I experienced a lot of bullying in school, which made me very fearful of letting people get to know who I was. I leaned heavily into tv shows like Star Trek Voyager for companionship. I imaged myself as a member the crew. What life would be like traveling through space with a family that really cared about each other.
But they are not real. And what I learned was that we are the only one that can truly heal ourselves. You have the power to heal yourself. Only YOU!! You can heal the fear and anxiety you have about letting people into your life who you can trust. Developing real and fulfilling relationships with friends and a romantic partner.
What worked for me was the Emotional Freedom Technique. EFT, also known as tapping, involves tapping on acupressure points on your own body in order to calm the amygdala, the fear center of the brain. The tapping allows for the Chi (emotional energy) to move more freely and bring a sense of relief and calm to the mind and body.
This technique helped me let go of so much pain from my past and allowed me to become more confident and trusting. And I want to give that same benefit to you as a gift.
You just have to choose to take those first steps toward taking responsibility for your healing and to work towards being the person you are meant to be. To feel safe and worthy of real relationships in life. Are you ready?