The Power of Shame: Understanding its Effects on Our Self-Esteem and Relationships

Shame is an emotion that arises when we have violated our moral code, either a principle we hold or one that was imposed on us by someone else. Shame is a derivative of the primary emotion of disgust. When we feel ashamed of something we have done or a situation we are in, we are in a state of disgust, finding ourselves or others as disgusting because of what was done or not done. This kind of self-perception of disgust can be extremely damaging to our self-esteem or to the person that is being aimed at. We can be ashamed of our friends, family, relatives, and partners, among others.

The only way out of shame is to acknowledge what the violation was. Often, we do not know what our moral codes are, but we certainly know when they have been violated.

Eric's Story: A Personal Experience of Shame

An example of this from my own life is when I was working at a job that was not right for me. My loyalty to my colleagues, who treated me like family, lead me to stay in the job even though I was miserable. My misery started to affect his colleagues, who did not want to be around him, and that was when my management team pulled him aside and asked what was wrong. I shared my feelings and said that I felt bad for creating an atmosphere that people did not want to be around. I promised them that I would not just disappear and that I would give them notice and part ways if I could not turn it around.

I ended up having a really bad day that pushed me past the line, and I felt like I could not take it anymore. I reached out to my husband and asked if he would be upset if I just quit. My husband understood how miserable I was and supported my decision to leave. I waited until everyone had left, wrote a boilerplate resignation letter, put it under my boss's desk, and left the keys. I felt a lot of shame for breaking my word and had to accept the consequences of his actions. I lost a lot of relationships from that choice, and some of my former colleagues did not respond to my emails, while others scolded me for my actions.

Overcoming Shame: Acknowledging Mistakes and Seeking Support

Shame can have a significant impact on our self-esteem and our relationships. When we feel ashamed, we tend to view ourselves as inadequate or unworthy. We may become avoidant of others or seek their approval excessively, leading to a dependence on others' opinions. We may also lash out at others, projecting our shame onto them. This can lead to strained or broken relationships. Shame can also lead to feelings of depression and anxiety, making it challenging to navigate our daily lives.

Learning and Growing from Mistakes

To overcome shame, we need to acknowledge what we did wrong and take responsibility for our actions. We need to accept the consequences of our actions and work on forgiving ourselves. We can also seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help us work through our shame. It's essential to understand that everyone makes mistakes, and we can learn from them and grow as individuals.

Embracing Our Humanity and Moving Forward

In conclusion, shame is a destructive emotion that can erode our self-esteem and our relationships. I shared my personal experience of feeling ashamed of breaking my word and the consequences that followed. To overcome shame, we need to acknowledge our mistakes, take responsibility for our actions, and work on forgiving ourselves. Seeking support from others can also help us work through our shame. Remember, making mistakes is a part of being human.