My Toxic Roommate
I have this friend that lives with me. We have been living together for as long as I can remember. Over the years I have learned how important it is to have a strong relationship with my friend. And our relationship has grown to the point where we can finish each other sentences.
My friend talks to me every day. He is there when I wake up, when I brush my teeth, when I shower. He talks to me on the toilet. He is insightful and funny. He has amazing ideas that I appreciate. But he is also so cruel. He says awful things to me. Reminds me of past experiences that were painful. Paints pictures of futures that are filled with dread and worry.
As the years have gone by, he makes me feel awful most of the time. All of my sadness and fear comes from his words. And our relationship has gotten so enmeshed that I don’t even need to hear his words anymore, I can just feel them in my body. Making me feel sick and nauseous. Filling my heart with adrenaline and covering my skin with sweat. Filling my muscles with tension that leads to such profound pain.
He wants me to get mad at him. He wants me to fight with him. He loves when this happens. To spar back and forth where we will – a place that he has turned into his home turf. And for years I have played this game with him. Not even knowing that I was playing a game. Not even realizing how much I was feeding him and keeping him fat and plump.
Do I abandon him? Do I run away? I’ve tried that and it doesn’t work. When I drink, he gets stronger and makes me say and do things that I end up regretting. When I get high, I get stuck at home with him and he fills me with so much fear that I want to scream but nothing comes out of my mouth.
No – that will not work. I am connected to him for the time being. I can’t end that relationship without profound consequences. He has even suggested that I move out. But he needs me to survive, so it is a bluff. But in those moments, when I’m about the walk out the door, there is so much pain that it even scares him.
What am I to do? I have made this friend not only my equal but my superior. And that is just wrong. I have given him so much power and influence over me. I feel like I have to make sacrifices of myself to this evil God that I live with. How do you defeat a God. Is defeat even the right approach?
No – the goal is not to kill him. That won’t work. Hatred and anger feed him. So how do I restore our relationship to a rightful place? I need see him for what he really is. And he is not a he but an it. It is my mind. A useful tool granted to me at birth. The benefit from eons of evolution. But only a tool.
Does the carpenter worship the hammer? No. Is it the hammer that builds the structure? No. The hammer is but a tool. The creator is the carpenter himself. The skill, capacity and intention come from the carpenter. The hammer is simply a willing participant in bringing forth creation into the physical world.
But left alone, the hammer is nothing but metal and wood. It has no creativity. No power, no energy, no life.
My mind is the same as the hammer. A useful tool but nothing more. Yet I have given my mind so much power and energy. I have fed it so much of my soul that I have given birth to a mind that believes it is alive. And that new life has taken over my existence because I have allowed it to do so. I have granted it full access to my inner energies and God given gifts. All to an organic machine.
Imagine handing over all of your existence, life and energy to your toaster. How silly would a person be who did such a thing. Who lived their life under the rule of a toaster. As if the toaster was their own personal God.
Yet I have done that with my mind. Yes, my mind is more advanced than a toaster. It is a very sophisticated organic machine. But it is still a machine, a tool to be used by my Being. Not the other way around.
And so, the solution with my mind is the same as with my toaster. When I want toast, I use it for the purpose it is designed for. And when I don’t need it, I unplug it and let is stand idle. Patiently waiting for it to assist me when needed.
I now do the same with my mind. I use it to write, to create, to plan and many other tasks. But when I no longer need it, I unplug it from my Being. I disconnect it from the energy that is I. And when the mind is idle, my Being can return back to its natural place of rest -a deep sense of inner calm and stillness.