Why Romance Dies When a Man Opens Up Emotionally to His Partner
Culture today has pushed the idea that men should be emotionally open and expressive, just like their female counterparts. These newly created emotional men are taught that being open and empathetic will lead to more romantic success from women. But in reality, the women who are wanting their boyfriends/husbands to act more like their girlfriends end up rejecting those men. Why do they do this? The women do not realize that one of the attributes that they are looking for in a man is for him to be strong and protective of them. Women want a man that they can lean on. A man who is going to stand firm during the storms that life brings – both internally and from outside forces such as death, disease, and other hardships.
When a man fully opens himself up and allows his girlfriend/wife to see his true vulnerability, it tends to frighten her. She sees that the strong protective partner that she thought she had does not actually exist, and that she is on her own to ensure that her needs and safety are tended to. Even worse, if she switches into a nurturing role for her man, it will dramatically change the dynamic between them, turning the romantic relationship into a mother/son relationship. And when that happens, all sense of safety and security is lost for her, and she becomes a single mother to an adult child.
Balancing Emotional Expression: Safe vs. Unsafe Emotions
Does this mean that a man should never express his emotions to his romantic partner? No, emotional expression is vital for a healthy relationship. It does mean sharing “safe” emotions with her versus “unsafe” emotions. For example, if a man is overcome with emotion during the birth of his child, then he should feel free to express in that moment what he feels to the fullest. That would be a “safe” emotional response.
Where a man should hold back would be with his inner fears and worries that have nothing to do with his partner. His doubts about himself, his ability to provide for her and his family, etc. He should still share some of the surface-level details of what he is going through, giving her enough insight to have an idea of what is going on. But he should not give her 100% of the emotion. That will dramatically increase the odds of shifting the relationship dynamics. Women want to be aware of what emotional undertones are in play with their partners and want to be reassured that these emotions are being dealt with, but they do not want to be solely responsible for resolving them.
Finding the Right Outlet for Emotional Expression
What is the solution to this conundrum? Men need to be able to fully open and express their emotions. Continuing the repressive tactics of the past does not resolve anything. That will simply amplify the coping tactics that have been around for years (drugs, alcohol, anger outbursts, distractions, workaholism, violence, and suicide).
Who can men safely open up to? One route is for men to practice opening up to fellow men who are also wanting to be able to express their full range of emotions. More men today are wanting that level of connection with each other and freedom to be able to express themselves without overt judgment and ridicule. When men practice opening up to each other, it is comparable to students who are learning a new language together. It will still feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, but both parties are in the same boat when it comes to their emotional competency. This helps build a bond between the men as they both strengthen their emotional muscles together.
Another route would be to open up to family. Family already knows your history, so there is a shorthand available when it comes to past experiences. There can also be skewed perspectives from family, so it is important to be strategic as to who you choose to open up to and about what. This is very dependent on the trust you have with each person. There is no guarantee that there will be someone in your family that is worthy of that level of trust and openness, but it is important to at least explore the option and see if anyone fits the bill.
There is the obvious option of female friends. Who better to open up to than a woman who can offer that nurturing support without the romantic complications? The difficult part of this option is that many women in a romantic relationship will feel threatened by having their man be so open and vulnerable to another woman. This can create a situation where the girlfriend/wife may perceive the relationship with a platonic female friend as emotional cheating. To complicate things even further, the man may end up forming a romantic bond with his female friend as their relationship deepens from continued openness.
True openness and personal expression create a level of intimacy between people. It would take a man with well-defined boundaries to ensure that the intimacy being created with a female friend does not turn into romantic intimacy. Since this level of openness is so new to most men, those boundaries can be very underdeveloped and, in most cases, non-existent. All of these complications make being open and vulnerable to a female friend unadvisable for most men.